*CONTENT WARNING! Common themes of this blog include, but are not limited to, PTSD and abuse, sexual and otherwise.*
(this is the permanent landing page for Fuzzy Trauma Llama. scroll to the bottom of this page for links to Fuzzy Trauma Llama’s most recent posts and an archive, among other things)
Because trauma is one of those things that goes BUMP! in the night and sometimes you need a Fuzzy cuddle buddy to help you through. Cue the Fuzzy Trauma Llama. Spitting not included.
I’ve decided to start putting some of my writings on This Here Internet. I’ve made this decision because I’m deep in the throes of healing from years of trauma buried under years of not-dealing-with-my-trauma. Whenever I mention to someone that I have PTSD, this look of shock mixed with confusion flashes across their face. “You were a soldier?” No, I say. And then I struggle to communicate my “T” in PTSD without needing to have a difficult and graphic conversation about rape and child sexual abuse.
One of the reasons that particular conversation is so difficult is because our culture consistently and firmly reinforces the idea that “we don’t talk about that stuff.” It’s messy, it’s painful, it draws attention to the violence we allow to happen in our communities.
The other, and often more present, reason I have a hard time explaining my “T” is not because I feel shame, embarrassment, or self-blame, but because there simply aren’t many other narratives floating around out there. Survivors of violence have to search with great intention not only to find other survivors, but to find other survivors who are talking about surviving. The prevailing narrative about rape and sexual violence is that the attacker was provoked, the attacked should feel shameful, the court won’t convict the attacker anyway… There’s so much stigma and discomfort attached to the idea that someone would talk openly about the violence they’ve suffered. It’s something that draws a stern glare, saying, “this is not appropriate talk, shut it down” or a confused and bewildered response with an “I’m so sorry….”
I say fuck that. I believe in the Jungian collective consciousness. I believe that simply throwing my story out there, written honestly, with no sugar-coating or bullshitting, creates an opportunity for someone else to grab on. Everything we say, think, feel, and do tosses a li’l nugget in that big ol’ consciousness soup. Since we’re all eating from the same soup, my one little pea, or those few grains of wild rice, might just end up in someone else’s spoon. And that’s really the beauty of this healing and talking process. I don’t think true healing can happen on a personal level without really flowing with, and leaning into, the painful stuff. I also don’t think we can heal our community without honestly and collectively addressing the same painful stuff together.
So, here’s the first bay leaf, and I’ll just keep adding to the soup. I hope you find it tasty.
-FTL
If you’d like to re-post all or part of something you find here, please do so with an attribution to Fuzzy Trauma Llama and a link to the post. Inquiries, comments, jokes, or awesome suggestions for new music are all welcome.
**Obligatory Logistical Comments re: the future of Fuzzy Trauma Llama — The first few things I post up here will be writings I did on paper with a pen. Eventually, I’ll run out of those and start writing new stuff up here. I do still intend to write with my pen on my paper, so for the sake of preserving the trajectory of my healing journey, I’ll put a little “written on…” message at the top of the post if it was written sometime other than the date it gets published.
There are instances in which my writing-on-paper used someone’s real name. Out of love and respect for the people in my life, I will simply be using uppercase letters (or combinations of letters) in place of any names. Once I use a letter, it will always apply to the same individual, ie) once I give someone a letter code in my online writing (C, for example), that person will always be referred to by that same code (C) and the code will apply only to that person. Additionally, C will be the same person in every post in which the code C appears.
Thus ends the boring stuff.
Fuzzy Trauma Llama 